All About You FRIDAY – A Reason For It All

62 years. That’s not how old my patient was. That’s how long she had been married.

I met her husband about a year ago. A tall, confident but approachable man with a full head of white hair, he looked a decade younger than his 85 years. He had spent 58 years of his life doing missionary work in Pau Pau New Guinea and serving as pastor of a local Lutheran church. We talked about family, religion, life and sports. He was so proud of his five children and the families they were raising. “My grandson is getting married in Arizona this spring,” he announced to me proudly. It was a trip he was anticipating with great joy.

We had many great conversations but no matter the questions I sent his way, he would eventually look at me with his gentle eyes and say, “How are you today, Sherry?” He was a master at connecting. Somehow, after he spoke to you, you felt like you mattered.

Then in February, he slipped on some ice coming out of church. He fractured his femur and blood clots from his injury complicated his recovery. A few days later, he was gone.

His wife was walking behind him that day and slipped on the same patch of ice. She fell backwards and her head landed on someone’s shoe, saving her from serious injury. A miracle and tragedy in one moment.

“How did you survive?” she asked me referencing the loss of my husband 19 years ago. I’m not sure I had a solid answer. But quickly we started sharing stories.

“I remember when we were young and he was in the seminary,” she said. “We had two babies and I was miserable. He was so busy and I just wanted to go home and be with my mom. So, I packed up all my stuff and grabbed the kids and headed to the train station. I stopped at the bank to get some money and you know what?” she asked, “There was no money in the bank.” She paused. “So, I grabbed all of our things and our babies and headed back home.” I could feel the despair she was describing.

Then her face softened and she added, “If I would have had the money and been able to get away, we probably wouldn’t have stayed together.” Being poor saved their marriage. Not being able to run away made them face the music. Instead of a few years together, they got 62. There was a reason for it all.

“Listen, we tend to elevate people when we eulogize them. We weren’t perfect and he wasn’t a perfect man.” She described a marriage with ups and downs and some heated arguments. “I would tell him ‘you’re a pastor!’ and he would say at the end of the day a man is still just a man.” She took a deep breath and tears welled up in her eyes as she smiled reliving the memories. “He wasn’t perfect,” she continued, “But he was perfect for me.”

How do we survive the unthinkable?

I once read that if we could see our lives the way God sees it, from beginning to end, we wouldn’t want to change a thing. That is a hard concept to swallow when you’ve suffered a great loss. But in those moments we shared stories of the ones we lost, we were reminded of the reasons things didn’t go our way. “The doctors said he would have been debilitated for the rest of his life,” she said. “He would have hated that.”

I finished her treatment and she went out to the gym to exercise. She looked back over her shoulder and said, “I feel like I got two for one today. Thank you.”

“Me, too,” I said with gratitude in my heart. In that moment, in the middle of my non-stop, busy day…I saw the reason for it all.

E.M. Forster once wrote, “Only connect.” One genuine connection outweighs a thousand transactions. Our need for it is endless. We crave it. We live longer if we have it. Connection might be the most important noun in the English language. Without it, we die. Not because we are weak. But because we are human.

Stories connect us and in that connection, we discover the reason for it all. That’s how we survive the unthinkable.

It’s been a long week. Find a way to connect. And don’t forget to celebrate.

Until next time…