All About You FRIDAY - Forgiveness (Mornings with Bob)

Woman breaking chains, symbolizing freedom and hope.

Online dating. Two words that conjure up immediate emotions in many hearts. If you’ve never had to do it, count yourself lucky. If you’ve done it and found your person, you have been given a gift. For the 30 million current users of online dating in this country, there are many more millions of stories of disappointment and broken hearts. And if you are lonely and have never tried it, you should. Not because there is any guarantee you will find your person, but because you will learn a lot about yourself.

I know. I was one of them.

A year after I was widowed, I decided to throw my hat in the ring. I was 19 when I met my husband. 22 when I got married. He was the second guy I ever dated and we immediately fell in love. Head over heels. It was so easy. I never had to date back then, and it was a good thing. Because though I was book smart, I had no game.

I was almost 40 when I confidently entered the world of online dating. I had way more to offer someone this time around. I had a business and a home. I had life experience. I could hold my own in a conversation. And I could afford to pay for dinner. This was going to be a piece of cake, I thought.

“You never skip lessons in life,” Bob said to me once. “They might come around later, but you never get to skip them.” He was referring to the lessons you learn when you actually have to try to find your person. Lessons most learn in high school and college when they are dating. Lessons you learn about yourself and what you really want. Lessons you learn about others.

I went on over 100 first dates. I stopped counting after 100 because it was downright embarrassing, but I didn’t stop meeting men. I figured it was a numbers game and I had a method. I would go home every night after work and reach out to 10 guys. Of those 10, I would probably hear from 3. And of those three, I would most likely land a date. I wasn’t interested in emailing back and forth for weeks on end, so if I thought we had something in common, I would extend an invite to meet.

Lesson #1. Asking a guy out on a date potentially takes away his masculine role. A guy can really like you but if he doesn’t have a role to play in the relationship, he might not know what to do with you. And decision-making is a masculine trait. (Emotions are feminine traits). I started having better luck when I said, “If you ask me out, I promise I’ll say yes.” I’m laughing out loud recounting this.

Lesson #2. If he doesn’t ask you out again, he just might not be that into you. (What?! I mean, what’s not to love?!). I’m laughing again.

So, I went out on a lot of dates. Sometimes I got ghosted. That wasn’t even a term back then, but it happened to me. Being ignored after you feel like you had a connection can be tough.

And then I fell in love. Several times. Sometimes the feelings were mutual. That was easy until it ended. Then it was really, really tough.

I felt like my heart was on a rollercoaster and I felt resentment building up. How could he do that to me? Why wasn’t I good enough? How could he go back to his ex? How could he say he loved me and then cheat on me? I’m a good person. Why can’t I find love?! My heart took a beating several times.

Love. We all want it. But a hardened heart can’t give or receive it.

“The inability to forgive people is a difficult trait to live with,” Bob said. “Most people who carry around anger and resentment are consuming their own souls. Even if day to day they seem to deal ok. I have witnessed it up close and personal. There are a lot of angry resentful people out there. It doesn’t end well for them. The angry and resentful never understand that forgiveness is for you, not the other person. What does the other person care what you think about them? It’s for the person doing the mental and emotional chore of forgiving.”

“It’s another one of those strange things about being human,” he added. “All of the anger and resentment and the act of forgiveness all happen inside of our own minds. The act of forgiveness resets our mental state and makes our behavior, the external expression, more reasonable. These are things I like about being human.”

Bob never did online dating but his words transcend all the relationships.

Lesson #3. The way the other person treats you probably has more to do with them and their situation than it has to do with you.

Instead of sitting in my room fuming and dejected after something didn’t work out, I started sending my failed romances a different kind of message. “Thank you for taking the time to get to know me. I sure did enjoy your company.”

And magically, I would get closure. An apology. An explanation. Heart reset.

Putting your heart out there requires bravery and trust that will many times be broken. With dates. With friends. With family. But with each crack, there is a chance for forgiveness. A chance to reset your mental state. A chance to let go.

People say forgive and forget. I like to say forgive and remember. People walk into your life for a reason. To teach you something. To divert your path. To strengthen your heart. And if you look at it long enough, without judgement, you will see the wisdom.

Forgiveness sets you free so when love comes around again your heart is open to take it all in. And that miracle is glorious.

I know. Because I’m one of those too.

It’s been a long week. Forgive. Let go. Feel the peace. And don’t forget to celebrate.

Until next time…