All About You FRIDAY – The Virtue of Neediness

Growing up the second of four children, I was fiercely independent and dependable. I like to think I was the “good” child. I was a self-starter in school and got straight A’s, I never complained if my parents asked me to do something and I didn’t mind following rules. In most situations, I felt more than capable to accomplish what needed to be done.

That kind of independence carried into my relationships. I naturally fell into the role of the person who just got things done. The one who could always be counted on. I helped raise other people’s children. I mentored young people. And if there was a task that seemed like a mountain, I would put on my hiking boots and start the trek.

Sounds virtuous, doesn’t it?

And at the end of a long day of doing, I would come home, put my stuff down, walk up the stairs and lie on my bed in the dark staring at the ceiling. Not to go to sleep, but to recharge and regroup. I would eventually get back up and eat some dinner.

“What are you doing?” she texted me one night.

“Lying in the dark staring at the ceiling,” I replied.

She wanted me to come out and watch her soccer game. Our friendship was new and I did enjoy her company. But every ounce of my being wanted the dark and the quiet.

“I’ll skip my game and we can go to CJ Barrymore’s,” she said. If you know her, you realize this would be highly unlikely and a huge sacrifice. She loves soccer more than she loves most things. She lives soccer.

I declined. But as I lay in the dark quiet of my room, I thought maybe I should do something different to combat the fatigue of a long day. It would turn out to be one of the best decisions of my life.

I hauled my tired body up from the bed, changed my clothes and made the drive out to the soccer bubble where she was playing. I got there after the game already started. I climbed up into the bleachers and nobody else was in the stands. Maybe everyone else is lying in the dark staring at the ceiling, I thought. I spotted her running around wondering if I could ever have that kind of energy after work. She smiled and waved at me.

At the end of the game, I walked towards the door. She came around the corner and smiled. “I can’t believe you came!” she said excitedly. That smile is forever cemented into my memory.

We sat in her car for almost an hour afterwards, just talking and laughing. And when I drove home, I knew I had found my best friend.

We’ve been married for almost two years and my evenings look so different. I walk into the house and the second I see her, the stress of my day melts away. Long gone are the days of staring at ceilings in the dark. When she wraps her arms around me and I put my head on her shoulder, I wonder how I ever lived without her.

Sounds sappy and romantic, but in reality, it is a weird kind of vulnerability that this independent go-getter was never used to. The feeling of letting walls down and depending on someone else for something so nebulous was out of character.

Now we do this thing. (I started it.)

I might be practicing guitar or cleaning the house or being my general busy self. And then I just feel the need to connect. I can’t explain it. I might be frustrated or tired. And if she asked me what I needed, I wouIdn’t know what to say. But I find her. She might be watching soccer or doing something in the kitchen. I just walk up and put my chin on her shoulder.

“What’s up?” she says

“Needy!” I whine.

I’m laughing just typing this. But somehow it always works. She wraps her arms around me without a question and without a word. I take a deep breath, receive the hug and go on my way. It’s way better than lying in the dark staring at the ceiling.

And the first time she did it back to me, I knew all was right in my world.

It’s so easy to fall into a pattern of responsibility, where two people tow the line and just get the things done that need to be done. I think sometimes in all of that, we forget what started it all. We forget the thing that broke our normal routine and opened up our world. At the core of it, we needed someone. And in that neediness, we grew stronger.

A friend shared this song with me this week, and I would like to share it with you and dedicate it to the one I love. The one who has brightened up my world and made me feel needy. It’s a sweet, sappy song that I share without apology. There is nothing fancy about it, but I hope it stirs something in you and maybe you’ll pass it along to someone you need. It will brighten their day and you just might be surprised, they need you too. (click on the picture)