All About You FRIDAY - One Can Only Fix One (Mornings with Bob)

Concerned couple discussing medication on couch.

I am a natural problem solver and “get-it-done” type of person. My entire days consist of recognizing patterns and coming up with solutions. And if I’ve solved something before, it doesn’t take me long to recall the steps that once brought success. Clean. Tidy. Do the thing. Move on.

But life isn’t always so simple. And depression is one of life’s great mysteries.

My husband had just completed a year of weekly counseling and taking anti-depressants. He was the lightest he had ever been. He was productive and funny and I was so elated with his progress that I began to write a book on how we, as a couple, conquered his depression.

But Doug was also a health nut, and taking medication for the rest of his life didn’t fit into his life plan. He was a business owner and monthly visits to his doctor were an interruption to his day.

“I got this,” he said. “I feel great.” So with apprehension and fear, I helped him make a plan for how to deal with this challenge without medical help.

I’ve learned a lot about depression in the years I shared with Doug. He could be fine one day and feel the entire weight of the world the next day. He was strong and healthy, but when the heavy cloud descended, he would find it so hard to even get out of bed, describing a pain that buried him from within. This wasn’t something that could be whisked away with positive words and a bowl of ice cream.

And as I started to see him suffer again, I vented my frustration to Bob.

“I don’t get it!” I said. “We KNOW how to fix this!”

“One can only fix one,” he said. “One can’t fix two. Two can fix two. But one can only fix one. Love him. Yes. Support him. Yes. Walk beside him. Yes. Listen. Yes. But his life is not yours to fix.”

I think of those words often. They changed the entire focus of the rest of the time I had with Doug and it made all the difference in the world. A feeling of understanding and peace descended upon us even amidst his struggle as we stopped pushing against each other and started pushing in the same direction.

Instead of fighting him, I fought depression with him. Though the outcome was not what I had hoped, in the middle of my greatest loss, I was left with sadness, but not anger. Understanding and but not frustration. Defeat, but only temporary. Because we fought the good fight together. And that provided me the means to heal.

Watching someone you love suffer is never easy. But knowing your place in the fight brings a strength and peace that transcends all understanding. Fixing something implies that you know exactly what is going on, and some things are not that simple.

One can only fix one. Love. Support. Walk beside. But don’t be a fixer. It’s some of the best advice I’ve ever received.

It’s been a long week. Don’t forget to celebrate.

Until next time…